The Battle for Christmas, Redux: Which Santa Claus Reigns Supreme?

That’s right y’all — we’re back!

Christmas is my very favorite day of the year for several reasons. Of course, I love it for the family and togetherness, the holiday spirit, and the goodwill of man, but I also adore Christmas for the tradition. And here at MMA Fighting, I’ve carved out a little tradition of my own. Every December 25th, the powers that be give me the greatest gift of all: the freedom to write about almost anything I want.

In 2023, that gift manifested in an 8,000-word short story about transporting MMA fighters into the world of Willy Wonka — an idea I’d had in my head for nearly five years. Last year, the Christmas Day piece was 4,000 words, determining which seasonal character would win in a Pride-style Grand Prix. That was, frankly, the best thing I’ve ever written, and I have no expectations that I can surpass it this year. But that’s no reason not to have some fun anyway.

So, how to follow up the Christmas Character Grand Prix? Let’s do another one! Only this time, it’s not every major Christmas character engaging in a futile effort to unseat Santa Claus at the top of the heap. This year, we let all the Santas battle it out for St. Nick Supremacy.

That’s right, this year, I selected 32 Santa Clauses from film and TV history, then divvied them up into four regions: Candy, Candy Cane, Candy Corn, and Syrup. The Candy Region is for Santas from animated films, the staple of the Christmas genre. The Candy Cane Region is for Santas who best embody the Spirit of Christmas (hence, Candy Cane). The Candy Corn Region is for Imposter Santas (Candy Corn is a Halloween candy, what are we doing here?). And the Syrup Region is for the oddball action/horror Santas, because syrup can be great, but it doesn’t belong on spaghetti.

I then seeded the eight Santas in each region, and while last year I did so based on an arbitrary “This character feels more important to Christmas” system, that’s not viable this year since they’re all Santa Claus. Instead, I sort of winged it, using a similar “This Santa is from a better/more important Christmas movie” rubric (sometimes assisted by Rotten Tomato scores) but also factoring in the importance Santa plays in the movie. And when all else failed, and I got stuck, I rolled dice. If you have any issues with my seeding, write your Congressperson.

Once I had seeding done, I set up the bracket, and now it’s time for Round 2 of December Madness. Two more things to note before we get started. First, because these are all Santas, the battles may be close, meaning we will look at all facets of the Santa: combat effectiveness, durability, and even the actors who portray them. And second, I’m wearing my Santa hat as I write this, so you can rest assured all the ensuing breakdowns are perfect, because the Spirit of Christmas has channeled through me. (Also, spoiler alert in case you haven’t seen all these movies.)

Let’s ring those silver bells and get it on!

Let me start by saying that if we were going by Rotten Tomato scores alone, the Candy Region would easily be the Group of Death for this tournament. Instead, I think we have a clear frontrunner, but we’ll see how things play out.

Klaus (voiced by J.K. Simmons) from Klaus vs. Santa Claus (voiced by Tom Hanks) from The Polar Express

Have y’all ever seen Klaus? I watched it for the first time this year, and man, that is a good movie. Highly recommend.

Anyway, Klaus is essentially a re-imagined telling of how Santa came to be, while The Polar Express sees Santa fully formed, albeit only briefly. And as everyone knows, fighting is a young man’s game. Sure, Santa has veteran savvy and an impressive presence, but he is not going to be able to compete with the sheer physicality Klaus brings to the table (and personally, I would definitely pick J.K. Simmons in a fight with Tom Hanks). Fortunately, Klaus is a gentle soul, so he’ll carry Santa to the cards.

Klaus def. Santa Claus by unanimous decision.

Arthur Christmas (voiced by James McAvoy) from Arthur Christmas vs. Santa Claus (voiced by Mickey Rooney) from The Year Without A Santa Claus

While fighting may be a young man’s game, there is such a thing as too young. Arthur Christmas has a lot of great qualities that will make him a solid Santa one day — tenacity, spirit, a good heart — but he’s simply too raw. Santa Claus in The Year Without A Santa, however, is not. This is a man who has been Santa so long, he’s even a little jaded about it, refusing to deliver presents one year. And if a Santa can refuse to deliver gifts, methinks that same Santa can deliver a beatdown to a young pup who struggled to deliver one present.

Santa Claus def. Arthur Christmas via buggy choke.

Santa Claus (voiced by Ed Asner) from The Story of Santa Claus vs. Santa Claus (voiced by Trey Parker) from South Park

In every tournament bracket, there’s always a three seed that doesn’t belong, and this is ours. The Story of Santa Claus is an imminently forgettable TV movie from CBS, and while the cast is good and the voice acting is fine, Asner’s Santa is not exactly a force to be reckoned with. He teams up with the elf-wizard Nostros (Tim Curry), who does the real heavy lifting for him. In contrast, Santa in South Park is one of the strongest characters in the show. Not only does he fight Jesus in hand-to-hand combat, in the Imaginationland arc, Santa is outright said to be the most powerful imaginary character in the land. Sorry, Ed, you can’t stack up to that.

Santa Claus (South Park) def. Santa Claus (TSOSC) via ax kick.

Santa Claus (voiced by Ed Ivory) from The Nightmare Before Christmas vs. Nicholas St. North (voiced by Alec Baldwin) from Rise of the Guardians

Are either of these films Christmas movies? Arguably no. Nightmare is as much a Halloween movie as it is a Christmas movie, and Rise of the Guardians is not remotely a holiday movie; it just prominently features Santa. So perhaps it’s fitting these two meet in the opening round.

In the Christmas Character Grand Prix, Nightmare’s Jack Skellington lost to the Big Red Man in the Round of 16, and unfortunately for the franchise, things go even worse here. The Santa in Nightmare gets kidnapped by three children of dubious competence (remember, they kidnapped the Easter Bunny by mistake the first time); that does not inspire confidence in his battle capabilities, especially when he showed zero skills later while fighting for his life against Oogie Boogie.

In contrast, Nicholas St. North is a battle-tested leader of the Guardians, who is impressive enough to have the sworn allegiance of a pack of yetis. St. North clears.

Nicholas St. North def. Santa Claus via submission (verbal tap)

A quick scan of this region, and I have no idea what to expect. Most of these Santas are just figuring out that they’re Santa to begin with, and none of them are fighters. Anyone could come out of this region.

Santa Claus (Ed Asner) in Elf vs. Nick Claus (Paul Giamatti) in Fred Claus

I debated long and hard about whether Fred or Nick would get the invite from the Fred Claus team, but ultimately, I went with the real Santa, which felt fitting for Fred to once again get overshadowed by his brother. But perhaps Fred can take some solace in knowing that his brother is in for a bad night on the rooftops against Elf Santa.

Not only does Nick Claus have a bad back entering this contest, but this is also a guy who got outsmarted by a mid-level bureaucrat. Elf Santa, meanwhile, may have had some trouble with the Central Park Rangers, but that’s never kept him down. Elf Santa with a convincing win.

Santa Claus def. Nick Claus via TKO (back injury)

Nikolas (Henry Lawfull) from A Boy Called Christmas vs. Noelle Kringle (Anna Kendrick) from Noelle

Let’s be honest, if you expect me to bounce Anna Kendrick from the first round of any contest, you are outside your mind. But in this case, it also feels right for her to move on.

Both Nikolas and Noelle are on the journey to becoming Santa, but Nikolas is a child, and Noelle is an adult. Advantage Noelle. Also, while Noelle may have been born with a peppermint spoon in her mouth as the daughter of Santa, she didn’t rest on her laurels. Noelle became the first female Santa ever. So sure, Nikolas went hiking through the woods, but that’s nothing compared to upending the patriarchy.

Noelle Kringle def. Nikolas via girlbossing.

Scott Calvin (Tim Allen) from The Santa Clause vs. Lucy Cullins (Whoopi Goldberg) from Call Me Claus

The other woman in this bracket, Lucy Cullins, gets a tough opening draw, taking on the man who arguably could have been the one seed in this region, Scott Calvin.

What makes it tough for Cullins is that she and Calvin are extremely similar. Both are high-powered, cynical executives who attempt to shirk the responsibility of the red suit before ultimately taking the job as Top Elf. But while Call Me Claus shows Cullins’ journey to becoming Santa, The Santa Clause (and the rest of the franchise) go into great detail about Calvin’s powers and abilities. Cullins is too much of a mystery box, so we have to favor Calvin to advance since we know just how deep his bag of tricks goes.

Scott Calvin def. Lucy Cullins via decision.

Kris Kringle (Edmund Gwenn) from Miracle on 34th Street vs. Joe Carruthers (Oliver Clark) from Ernest Saves Christmas

Here we have a battle of a man who won an Oscar for playing Santa Claus, and a man playing Santa in an Ernest movie. Tough call, tough call.

As with many of the entrants in this region, Ernest Saves Christmas is about the succession of Santa, with Carruthers being the reluctant new Claus. Miracle on 34th Street is the exact opposite, with Kris Kringle resolute in himself as Santa Claus, and proving it to the world. Kris Kringle is able to get a New York City judge to accept that Santa is real; he can definitely convince two ringside judges he’s beating a D-list actor.

Kris Kringle def. Joe Carruthers via split decision.

This is a real strange mix of a region. You have plenty of regular dudes, but also some magical and/or mythological beings in here. Plus, there’s one incredible first-round matchup to watch out for.

Santa Impersonator (Kenneth Hudson Campbell) from Home Alone vs. Jack Frost (Martin Short) from The Santa Clause 3

If you haven’t seen The Santa Clause 3, you’re not missing much. But in it, Jack Frost gets fed up with being a second-rate winter entity and tricks Scott Calvin into giving up the hat. Given that he’s a mythical being and can literally freeze people with his breath, that’s a pretty big advantage when he’s going up against an everyday Santa impersonator who only has Tic Tacs to fend him off with.

That being said, I still want to shout out the Santa who helped Kevin McCallister in his time of need. To take the time to see a kid, listen to him, and then insist on giving him a gift, that’s a noble deed (let’s skip past the part where he sees an eight-year-old kid on his own, asking for his family back, and just lets him walk off). Not all heroes wear capes; some where fake beards.

Jack Frost def. Santa Impersonator via TKO (frozen)

Willie T. Soke (Billy Bob Thornton) from Bad Santa vs. Louis Winthorpe III (Dan Aykroyd) from Trading Places

What an electric opening round battle this is; a battle of generations. Louis Winthorpe III was being a disgusting Santa years before Willie T. Soke ever took up the beard, but Soke arguably took the game to new heights. Soke has a proven track record of winning fights (albeit against teenagers), but he is also coming off getting shot and probably won’t pass a drug test. This is as close of a battle as we’ve had so far.

But as with all close battles, the edge goes to the man with the superior game plan and execution, and that’s Winthorpe. Soke is more of a tactical brawler, acting on instinct and committing crimes with only a vague sense of a plan.

Winthorpe, on the other hand, is a mastermind. Yes, he did get outsmarted early in his career and left destitute, but as with all great champions, that only served to make him better. While Willie and Marcus were out committing botched robberies, Winthorpe and Billy Ray Valentine were executing a high-level, multifaceted heist to fleece millions from two horrible, horrible people. Winthorpe is going to out-think Soke in this one.

Louis Winthorpe III def. Willie T. Soke via successfully planting drugs on him.

Santa Claus (Jeff Gillen) from A Christmas Story vs. Toy Santa (Tim Allen) from The Santa Clause 2

This is another tricky one because we’ve got a regular dude taking on a life-size, anthropomorphic toy. Uphill battle for the department store Santa.

And you know what? I’m OK with that. While the Santa in A Christmas Story was being honest with Ralphie when he told him, “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid,” nobody wants that from Santa. Santa is about hope and wonder. And unlike the Home Alone Santa, this guy could not wait to get away from those kids. If he can’t take pride in being Santa, you think he’s going to train his hardest for this Grand Prix? Not a chance!

On the other hand, Toy Santa is basically just the AI version of Santa (I mean, it took him about two days to turn into North Pole Mussolini), which means I would like him to lose. Tough call, but I must preserve the integrity of this endeavor: Toy Santa advances because he will certainly be trying his hardest.

Toy Santa def. Santa Claus via TKO (Rock’em Sock’em punches)

The Grinch (Jim Carrey) from Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas vs. Mall Santa (Jim Belushi) from Jingle All The Way

Let’s address the elephant in the chimney here: of all the Grinch possibilities, I chose the live-action version instead of the animated Grinch from arguably the greatest Christmas movie of all time. I did that for a reason: Carrey’s Grinch is a more physical competitor. This is an open-weight tournament, and the animated Grinch (let’s not speak of the 2018 version) is not much bigger than his small dog, Max. That’s a liability.

Plus, I think Carrey did a good job as The Grinch. Last year, the Grinch got upset in the second round by Hans Gruber. I thought it was time to give a new Grinch a chance.

And he’s going to roll here. While Mall Santa talks a big game and acts like he’s ready to throw down, he’s really only competitive when he’s got a gang of Santas with him. The ring is one vs. one, and Grinch cruises on through.

The Grinch def. Mall Santa via slapstick booping.

I have no idea what to expect from this region. Most of these movies I had not seen before embarking on this journey, and part of me wishes I never had. Some knowledge you can’t unlearn *shudder*.

Billy Chapman (Robert Brian Wilson) from Silent Night, Deadly Night vs. Dropo Claus (Bill McCutcheon) from Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

Yep, these are two movies that exist. One is a Christmas-themed horror film (a shockingly deep catalogue of these, by the way), and the other is a sci-fi/comedy that is on several “worst movies ever made” lists, with some reason. I guess this just goes to show Santa Claus’ range.

For those not in the know, Silent Night, Deadly Night is about a kid who loses his mind and goes on a killing spree dressed as Santa. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians is only slightly more insane. Martians kidnap Santa so they can bring Christmas to their planet, hijinks ensue, Santa sort of solves everything, and a Martian named Dropo becomes Martian Santa.

So, this pits an efficient and psychotic killer against a Martian who is probably missing some marbles. Only one way this ends, and it’s not good.

Billy Chapman is DQed for murder.

Santa Claus (Richard Riehle) from A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas vs. Damian Claus (Andy Dick) from The Hebrew Hammer

In The Hebrew Hammer, Damian Claus is Santa’s evil son who takes over after killing his dad, and tries to destroy Hanukkah and Kwanzaa. In A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas, the eponymous Harold and Kumar befriend Santa after accidentally shooting him in the head and then saving his life.

I’m gonna be honest, Richard Riehle could definitely take Andy Dick at the time they filmed their respective movies, and that’s my entire justification for this one.

Santa Claus def. Damian Claus via submission (Twister)

Saint Nick (Kurt Russell) from The Christmas Chronicles vs. Santa Claus (Bill Goldberg) from Santa’s Slay

A battle of opposites here. The Christmas Chronicles is the most straightforward Christmas franchise in this region, but it gets lumped here because it’s still oddly action-oriented? Meanwhile, Santa’s Slay basically asks, “What if Santa were jacked and evil and in the worst-produced film you’ve ever seen?”

But, improbably, Santa’s Slay is going to advance. Both films feature the real Santa with a host of special powers, but Chronicles makes a big deal out of Kurt Russell not being a fat Santa. Well, I gotta tell you, if physicality is your calling card, that’s probably not gonna go so great against Bill Goldberg.

Santa Claus def. Saint Nick via jackhammer.

Santa Claus (David Harbour) from Violent Night vs. Santa Claus (J.K. Simmons) from Red One

Violent Night is basically a play off several Christmas movies — Die Hard and Home Alone, most notably — while Red One is … well, it’s a movie.

I am somewhat fond of J.K. Simmons’ Santa Claus, but I don’t know about his chances in this one. Yes, Red can rep 375 on barbell overhead press without breaking a sweat, and yes, he showcased an incredible amount of athleticism at times, but you know what he didn’t show us? Any ability to fight. It’s the reindeer that take down Gryla, and Dasher and the gang aren’t allowed into the ring with St. Nick.

Conversely, Violent Santa fights a whole lot of people and puts them down. Hard. Violent Santa embraces his inner Viking, and that’s always a good spot to be before heading into a fight. He also gets brought back to life, so I really don’t know how Red is gonna get much going. Now, if Krampus was involved, maybe that’s a different story …

Violent Santa Claus def. Non-Violent Santa Claus via TKO (hammerfists)

Two one-seeds out in the first round, which makes sense because the Candy Corn and Syrup regions are total anarchy. It’s anyone’s game over there. Even the Candy region got pretty fun with some upsets, leaving only the Candy Cane region to play out fairly chalky, but I guess that’s to be expected. A lot fewer wild cards in that group.

Klaus (voiced by J.K. Simmons) from Klaus vs. Santa Claus (voiced by Mickey Rooney) from The Year Without A Santa Claus

This is basically a repeat of Klaus’ first-round opponent, the burgeoning Santa taking on an old hand, and I don’t see how it goes any differently. Klaus is a behemoth of a man, chopping down trees in the snowy woods all day long. He’s basically Jiri Prochazka, and Mickey Rooney’s Santa is no Alex Pereira.

Klaus def. Santa Claus via non-violent decision

Santa Claus (voiced by Trey Parker) from South Park vs. Nicholas St. North (voiced by Alec Baldwin) from Rise of the Guardians

This is a very tricky matchup, but I think I’m going to give the edge to South Park Santa. Aside from being supremely powerful, South Park Santa is battle-hardened. This is a mythical entity who survived being tortured! South Park Santa is just as strong as Rise Santa, but with more grit.

South Park Santa def. Rise of the Guardians Santa via unanimous decision

Santa Claus (Ed Asner) in Elf vs. Noelle Kringle (Anna Kendrick) from Noelle

Remember when Noelle Kringle broke the glass ceiling last round? Well, she’s about to do it again!

All respect to Elf Santa, but in the words of the great Roger Murtaugh, he’s getting too old for this shit. Elf Santa let a human child crawl onto his sleigh and didn’t notice for hours? I know you’re busy, but come on! If that’s how you pay attention in the ring, your Christmas goose is cooked!

On top of that, Elf Santa really isn’t all that powerful anymore. The man set aside his Christmas cheer for technological advancements. Meanwhile, Noelle has cheer for days. The changing of the guard continues.

Noelle Kringle def. Elf Santa via TKO (broken hip)

Scott Calvin (Tim Allen) from The Santa Clause vs. Kris Kringle (Edmund Gwenn) from Miracle on 34th Street

Oh man. Now this is a matchup. In a different world, this might be the finals of this tournament, but the Christmas Gods did not deem it to be. Instead, one of these two heavyweight contenders will fall.

And that one is Kris Kringle. The man is an icon and an inspiration, but at the end of the day, is he really Santa Claus? He looks the part and acts the part, and he’s pulled off some compelling feats, but were any of them magic, in the traditional sense of the word? We may never know. But we do know that Scott Calvin is the real deal, and we also know he took out a former Santa to get the job. Scott Calvin does it again, adding to his impeccable Santa battle record.

Scott Calvin def. Kris Kringle via KO (slam from the roof)

Jack Frost (Martin Short) from The Santa Clause 3 vs. Louis Winthorpe III (Dan Aykroyd) from Trading Places

Again, Jack Frost enters this contest having the huge advantage of magical powers, while Louis Winthorpe does not. But you know what Winthorpe has? Determination. This is a man who was cast out onto the street, and he built himself back up from practically nothing. Has Frost ever shown that sort of temerity? Nope.

Moreover, Frost has also shown one major weakness that Winthorpe is primed to take advantage of: his ego. Frost thinks an awful lot of himself for someone whose greatest achievement was outsmarting a 10-year-old, and Winthorpe knows just how to scheme around someone like that. Just ask the Randolph brothers.

Louis Winthorpe def. Jack Frost via bear hug

Toy Santa (Tim Allen) from The Santa Clause 2 vs. the Grinch (Jim Carrey) from Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Talk about a tailor-made matchup. Here, we get a gigantic toy taking on the best in the business at stealing them. If the Grinch can heist an entire holiday, he’s gonna have no trouble stealing rounds from Plastic Pol Pot.

The Grinch def. Toy Santa via unanimous decision

Dropo Claus (Bill McCutcheon) from Santa Claus Conquers The Martians vs. Santa Claus (Richard Riehle) from A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas

As mentioned, Billy Chapman was disqualified from the competition for murdering Dropo Claus. Unfortunately, Dropo is unable to compete, on account of being murdered. As such, Santa Claus gets a walkover win to the quarterfinals.

Santa Claus def. Dropo Claus via forfeit.

Santa Claus (Bill Goldberg) from Santa’s Slay vs. Santa Claus (David Harbour) from Violent Night

Both of these movies are insane, but this is a fun matchup, pitting these reflections of each other against each other. Goldberg is the bad Santa forced to be good, until he’s not; Harbour is the good Santa turned bad by the incessant cruelty of the world. How do two existential forces fare when faced with each other? Well, not great!

These are the two most violent Santas in this Grand Prix, and meeting this early hurts both of them. They battle it in a prolonged version of Don Frye vs. Yoshihiro Takayama, never giving an inch.

Golberg rakes the eyes, Herb Dean stops the action, and warns him. They return, and the battle rages.

Golberg rakes the eyes again, Herb Dean stops the action, and gives him a stern warning. They return and take chunks out of each other.

Golberg rakes the eyes again! Herb Dean stops the action and gives Goldberg a double secret stern warning. Harbour can’t see, but they restart, and he dives right back into the fire.

This time, Goldberg sticks both thumbs directly in Harbour’s eyes! He’s the son of Satan; he doesn’t care about the rules. Harbour screams in pain and fights him off while Herb Dean mumbles something about “unintentional” and debates what to do. Finally, after talking things over with the ringside official and making absolutely certain there’s no other option, Herb Dean DQs Goldberg for repeated flagrant fouls.

Santa Claus (Violent Night) def. Santa Claus (Santa’s Slay) via DQ.

Last round was much more chalk, with the higher-seeded Santa winning most of the matchups. That being said, we are down to one No. 1 seed, and there are no easy matchups left. Can Klaus run the table?

Klaus (voiced by J.K. Simmons) from Klaus vs. Santa Claus (voiced by Trey Parker) from South Park — Candy Regional Championship

Credit to Klaus, who is a relative newcomer to the Santa lore and put together a very respectable showing today (though that is easier when you’re three times the size of a reindeer), but the run had to end at some point, and it ends at the hands of perhaps the dark horse of this entire tournament. South Park Santa has all the talent in the world, boatloads of experience to back it up with, and he can never be defeated, because Butters can always dream him back up again. He’s a formidable opponent for anyone, from terrorists to the Woodland Critters.

Klaus tries to chop that wood against him, but ends up wearing himself out in the process. After all, he’s a big man, and tournaments are tough for big guys.

Santa Claus def. Klaus via submission (exhaustion)

Noelle Kringle (Anna Kendrick) from Noelle vs. Scott Calvin (Tim Allen) from The Santa Clause — Candy Cane Regional Championship

And sadly, this is also where Noelle Kringle’s Cinderella run ends.

Kringle has accomplished a lot and should be proud of herself, but Grand Prix are won by experience, and she’s woefully lacking in this regard. Scott Calvin, on the other hand, is overflowing with it. This will be one of those necessary veteran losses for Kringle to take as she climbs her way up the Santa rankings.

Scott Calvin dec. Noelle Kringle via decision

Louis Winthorpe III (Dan Aykroyd) from Trading Places vs. The Grinch (Jim Carrey) from Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas — Candy Corn Regional Championship

Louis Winthorpe, it’s time we say goodbye.

This is, in essence, a battle between two of Christmas’s biggest thieves. Both are elite game planners, both have a diverse set of skills, and both know how to deliver in the big moments. But one of these men can full press a sled full of toys over his head, and the other lived the country club life. There’s only one right answer here.

The Grinch def. Louis Winthorpe III via slam

(Richard Riehle) from A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas vs. Santa Claus (David Harbour) from Violent Night — Syrup Regional Championship

This region has been all over the place, and that continues here. Violent Santa is in very tough shape heading into this quarterfinal matchup after the fiasco that was Santa’s Slay Santa. Fortunately, Harold and Kumar are with their Santa to serve as his cornermen, and being the good soul that he is, Kumar fixes Violent Santa up, just like he did for his Santa.

Violent Santa, not anticipating such an act of goodwill, has his faith in humanity renewed, and no longer wishes to fight. He withdraws from the Grand Prix and sits in fellowship with Harold, Kumar, and their Santa, wishing him the best of luck moving forward.

Violent Santa withdraws, Santa Claus (Harold and Kumar) advances.

Santa Claus (voiced by Trey Parker) from South Park vs. Scott Calvin (Tim Allen) from The Santa Clause

I’ve gotta say, both of these men have been absolute buzzsaws. South Park Santa took down his fellow animated Santas with brutal efficiency and now steps into the world of the three-dimensional. Meanwhile, Scott Calvin comfortably moved through three different generations of Santas, and he’s still healthy as a Clydesdale.

South Park Santa probably has the edge in sheer offensive capabilities, but we know Scott Calvin isn’t a slouch there either, with his various magical abilities. But where South Park Santa has the massive edge is in durability. Though he’s Santa, Scott Calvin can still fall off a roof and vanish, making him only semi-immortal. South Park Santa truly is immortal, giving him a clear leg up.

But there’s one thing we haven’t talked about with Scott Calvin: the man is a winner.

It’s cliché to say that some athletes/Santas have attributes that are hard to quantify, but it’s true. Winners win, and Scott Calvin? He’s a winner. Just look at the résumé.

Scott Calvin is 6-0 against other Santas, maybe even more than that. The man simply knows how to get his Santa hat raised.

Scott Calvin def. South Park Santa via unanimous decision

The Grinch (Jim Carrey) from Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas vs. (Richard Riehle) from A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas

If you foresaw Harold & Kumar Santa making it this far, congratulations, you’re the only one. Even Richard Riehle is confused about how he ended up here, especially given the collection of psychopaths he was put in a region with. And yet, here he is, one win away from a shot at the title. All that stands in his way is the very antithesis of Christmas Spirit, and the greatest con artist, perhaps, of all time.

In contrast, the Grinch always believed in his ability to make it this far; he just figured he’d be facing one of the more deranged Santas from the Syrup region. Frankly, he’s disappointed, because any evil Santa would be left cowering in the face of his nauseous super naus. Alas!

So, as they step into the ring for this penultimate battle, the Grinch is ready to do what it takes to steal this victory. And it turns out, it’s not that hard.

As we know from the film, the Harold & Kumar Santa likes to avail himself of some herbal relief, and with Harold and Kumar serving as his corner, the three of them dabbled before the semifinals with their new friend Violent Santa joining in. Things got out of hand, and now Harold & Kumar Santa can barely stand. Once the action starts, he just lies down and takes a nap, covered in sugar cookie crumbs. The Grinch steps forward, looks down at the sleeping Santa, and shrugs his shoulders to Dan Miragliotta, who quickly calls off the fight.

The Grinch def. Harold & Kumar Santa via sleeper hold.

And that brings us to the finals, y’all. 32 combatants entered, and now just two stand before us, ready to be crowned the true King of Christmas. In the Red Corner, we have Scott Calvin, AKA Santa Claus, AKA Kris Kringle, AKA Sinterklass, AKA Père Noël, AKA Babbo Natale, AKA Pelz-Nickel, AKA Topo Gigio. In the Green Corner, there’s the Grinch, a man who went full-blown identity they on Father Christmas. It’s a timeless battle that figures to delight and amaze.

For as significant a figure as he is, the Grinch is not Santa. He’s his own thing, and that thing is charming, and crafty, and has more heart than just about anyone you know, but he doesn’t have magic. And that’s the one thing that the Grinch hasn’t been tested against in this Grand Prix. The Grinch faced a mall Santa, a toy Santa, and regular guy Santa, and a Santa that was extremely not low. He’s never been in the trenches with the real deal.

There’s simply nothing the Grinch can do against a being who knows what you’re doing, when you’re doing it, and can transform into jelly to squeeze down non-existent fireplaces. Moreover, like with Cindy Lou Who, Scott Calvin is so pure and genuine as Santa that even the Grinch wouldn’t want to fight him if he could. It would be like fighting the very concept of joy, or rainbows, or crunchy leaves.

So when the bell finally sounded, the Grinch came to the center

To fight for the title of true King of Winter.

As he stared one last time into Scott Calvin’s face,

The Grinch felt quite sure he was in the wrong place.

He paused for a moment, then swept off his hat,

And threw it at Scott Calvin’s feet just like that!

“I yield!” the Grinch cried. “It’s over, no tricks!

“I humbly acknowledge the one, true St. Nick!”

Then Santa Claus smiled and roared out in laughter,

“Oh, Grinch, you should know that’s not what I’m after!

“This was all just for sport. Some jolly good fun.

“To celebrate Christmas and include everyone.

“There is no such thing as one ‘true’ Santa Claus

“He lives in us all, from our nose to our paws.

“Every time you are giving, or caring, or kind,

“The Spirit of Christmas is not far behind.

“So come, dear old Grinchy, let me buy you a beer,

“And start thinking of what we will do for next year.”

And that’s how it all ended, without a big fight.

So, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Scott Calvin, AKA Santa Claus, def. The Grinch via forfeit.

And there you have it, folks, Scott Calvin and The Santa Clause win this year’s Battle for Christmas. Santa is the King of Christmas, and Scott Calvin is the King of Santas.

Hope you enjoyed, and Merry Christmas!